Sunday, September 10, 2006

I know who you are but what am I?

These days I have no idea what I want anymore. I used to pride myself at being one of the few who just can't seem to get stressed, but I guess reality has not only caught up with me, but has also bitten quite a bit off me.

First and foremost, I have no idea why despite starting so early for my Prelims, I still find myself NOT EVEN FINISHING HALF OF HISTORY, like seriously omgwtfbbq. Nevermind about that, I'm kinda resigned to the fact and can only console myself by saying that I shan't "peak now". Later, yeah yeah whatever.

The thing that perturbs me of recent is my aggressive hold on my status; one that's single, carefree, and free of commitments and restrictions which a relationship could otherwise impose on me. Everytime I stray a little away from this comfort zone, I feel the strong desire to return to my territory, far away from this grey area we commonly call "love".

I was wrong, so wrong. I thought I could be happy with someone as long as I thought she suited me, suited my expectations of an ideal companion. But I was all so wrong. And this is the part that particularly annoys me, because if finding someone whom you think is good for you isn't gonna work out, then we'd have to relegate the decision to that of feelings, of instincts and the like - Things that have gone all wrong in the past, for me at least. Rationality and passion are just such distinctively divided areas in my shoes. It's just so fucking hard to find a common compromising area that I can safely "invest" my feelings in. I say "invest" because after 3 failed relationships, I'm really pretty much drained, tired and most importantly, cynical about this whole damned thing.

I feel so damned guilty now because sometimes my feelings give way, and I make the wrong steps, leading you on and on and on and fuck it; I'm too much of a coward to take risks with someone I care too much for. As of now, my stand's very very clear - I want to remain single. And in case the world thinks I'm joking, I'm not. Even if you find me in a relationship, that'll probably be a fling, yes a fling.

You're not a fling, and that's why we're not in a relationship. Understand?

posted@12:00 AM

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